Saturday, February 23, 2008

Rakhi Sawant to be Al Qaeda’s New Brand Ambassador
Onloose Pilferage Inc. | Undisclosed location in Tora Bora range near khyber Pass across Safed Koh in eastern Afghanistan, cave number 32


Osama Bin Laden has announced revolutionary measures to bolster Al Qaeda’s image. Apparently Al Jazeera, Osama’s Mouthpiece, has threatened to stop telecasting Osama videos since they were lowering the channels TRP.

The following measures have been announced:

1) Rakhi Sawant will feature in all Osama’s Videos. Each video will have a commercial break and all the revenues collected from the advertising will be used to rehabilitate Paris Hilton. The Information and Broadcasting Ministry of India hurriedly called a press conference to ensure that All the video produced hence forth will be rated “Parental Guidance” instead of the normal U/A.

2) To make Osama a universal Figure, The videos would be also released with subtitles in English, Hindi, Tamil, Marathi, Bhojpuri and Pali. The complete DVD set will be available for $14.95(offer only for US and Canada), said Mullah Sheikh Ahmad, the party spokesman who requested anonymity.

3) Closely on the heels of You Tube, Osama Tube will be the new video blog of Osama Bin Laden. Acer Laptops, in order to push up sales which touched an all time low after Hrithik Roshan’s commercial, will have OsamaTube.com as the default home page.





4) Animated films on the lines Of Hanumaan Returns will be released during Christmas and Thanksgiving in America. Osama Returns, Osama the GI Joe, Osama and Barbie dolls etc etc.

5) Exclusive distribution rights of the video will be given to Yash Chopra’s Yash Raj Films in south Asia and Michael Moore in North America. It is believed that Ekta Kapoor was also in contention.

6) Combat Flight Simulator, Afghan Edition will be launched. This will be introduced in all the madarsa libraries and will be soon available in Xbox and iPhone. The talks are on to include Combat Flight Simulator in Microsoft Office.






6) Taliban Singles Online, a web portal will be launched primarily as repository to keep track of Osama’s wives and daughters. The beta edition has been launched and one can open an account only by invitation.

7) A new music company will also be launched by Osama’s party. It would be called the Afghan Spice girls. Bappi Lahri has been hired to compose the lyrics.





The party has also plans to raise an IPO to the bid IPL teams.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Blue Line Buses to be banned in Delhi; Air Deccan to recruit the Laid off drivers
Abhimanyu Girotra | Onloose Pilferage Inc.

New Delhi: The Delhi government on Friday cancelled the permits of 600 Blueline buses, often dubbed 'killer buses'. It has been estimated that it has ferried more passengers beneath its wheels than over its wheels.


"It has been decided to immediately cancel the permits of 600 Blueline buses due to violation of permit rules, including non-operation. We are committed to phase out Blueline buses in the near future," Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit said.






Captain G R Gopinath of the Air Deccan fame who was stranded at the Airport due to Air Deccan Flight Cancellation hurriedly called the Press Conference to announce its new acquisition. “We are a low Cost airline; we will do anything to reduce the operational Cost. We have decided to recruit all the Laid off Blue Line Bus drivers as our New Pilots”, said The Amused Captain; Tired of the Deccan delay, boarded the Kingfisher Airline.


Air Deccan is Pretty Similar in operation to Blue Line buses, there will not be much Cultural Shock for the Drivers joining Air Deccan. The Blue Line drivers have the innate ability to overlook the Bus Stops and this is in rhythm with Air Deccan’s Policy to reduce the Ground Time at the airport of our Planes.
They will contribute to the efficiency of the airline currently hovering at .98765%, Blushed Captain GR Gopinath.


We had this long desire of starting Non Stop flights, I am sure the new Pilots bring with them a rich experience of not stopping at all for passengers.


It’s pretty easy up there. The Blue Line Drivers would not require any special aviation Training. Talking to the Air Traffic Control would be much more easier for these people since they have the natural experience of simultaneously Talking on the Mobile Phones, listening to radio, honking horns when not required, playing cards, reading newspaper and abusing passengers while driving in high stress environment on Delhi streets.



“It’s a win win situation for Air Deccan”, Answered Gopinath to visibly upset Citizen Journalist Varun Sadana, who once lost his Job and other time his Girlfriend when he could not reach on time via Air Deccan.



The Co-pilots would also be from Blue Line buses only, said GR.
Blue Line bus drivers have this unwritten rule that they will stop midway to help the fella driver repair his bus, Shift all passengers from his friends bus to his own overloaded bus.
We need this kind of mutual understanding between our pilots due to frequent Mid Air cancellations. Also our fleet is either second hand or flying by God’s grace, this experience would help Air Deccan.


Answering to the question raised by Citizen Journalist Varun Sadana on the jobs for the laid off bus Conductors, Nikhil Taneja, the spokesperson for Air Deccan said, “ That’s going to be easy, We are even more Generous than Blue Line Buses, the minimum fair on Blue Line bus is Rs 4/- . We offer tickets at Rs 1/-. We are soon planning to introduce Conductors on our Boeing planes to issue current tickets. We will soon get rid of the ground staff this way. Remember, we are a lost cost airline.”


The Air Deccan’s Vision is unique, “We are highly customer disoriented, Not Reaching on Time, Not letting others reach on time, Mid air cancellations, Misplaced bookings, lost luggage has been the vision of Air Deccan and so that of Blue Line Buses. I am sure the collaboration will phase out Air Deccan just like Blue Line from Delhi streets.” said GR, who was by this time completely stressed out as he was deplaned from the Kingfisher Airline on charges of eve-teasing an Air-Hostess.

Monday, July 30, 2007

COLONEL’S CALL



No wholesale changes, only retail: Vengsarkar

Chief Selector Says Plenty of Cricket Left in Tendulkar, Son

Abhimanyu Girotra Onloose. Pilferage Inc

Trent Bridge (Nottingham):

Chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar agrees finally that Indian cricket’s Generation Next will have a tough time stepping into the shoes of some of the biggest stars that the team has ever seen; He clarifies that by great shoes he doesn’t mean that of Munaf Patel or Abbey Kuruvilla.





He stops short (thankfully) of envisioning, the kind of crisis that Australia plunged into in the 1980s when their Big Three — Greg Chappell, Dennis Lillee and Rod Marsh — suddenly decided to zip into the sunset.

Ironically the exit of the big three was apparently the reason of Vengsarkar’s survival in the International Cricket.

‘‘We have some good youngsters in the wings (Sona Chandi Chavanprash, Marie Gold & Sahara), I am sure they will rise to the challenge of doing commercials for 22 hours a day and devoting the rest of the whole heartedly on the field”, commented dismal Colonel.




They just need to be ready for the bad light day and Duckworth Lewis will take care of the rest,’’ he added. He reluctantly accepted that the selectors and the Board had a particularly important role in the emerging scenario.

‘‘We have to give them opportunities at the right time. We have to groom them properly so that their Entry and Exit in international cricket remains smooth,’’ he said.

Sighting his debut example, ‘‘we can’t take a bunch of youngsters straightaway to Australia. It will be disastrous’’ he explained.

The message is, therefore, quite clear. Even if the mighty Indian batting is quivering at its foundation, it won’t be dismantled in a hurry. After all we have talented and good for nothing tail-enders like Ajit Agarkar, RP Singh and S Sreesanth.

He, however, doesn’t see them crumbling in the immediate future, because they wont be in the team anymore, commented Vengsarkar making a poker man’s face.

“The Board is very sure that the teams performance in the next year will be the best ever since we have scheduled matched of the Indian team with Togo, The Solomon Islands, Mexico, Tajikistan and The United Republic of Firosco, the magic will come back again to the team”, Commented the exuberant Coach .


We can take away a lot of positives from the tour. It's not very easy to lose a three test series after being one-nil up, but commendable thing about the players is that they don’t get carried away by the extra swing, they just allow their wickets to get carried away.

The proud owner of three centuries at Lord’s (ICC has no record of it) felt that the key was to be extra alert at the international level, ‘‘Most of our batsmen, especially the younger ones, are just out of college, they have not seen this kind of money before. The extra pace and helmet height bouncers makes them the best brand ambassadors for medical insurance.



Commenting on the poor performance of the Team of late, ‘‘I am sure the team will come good. We anyway always take some time to adjust to the pitches and conditions when we are traveling, by that time the series usually end like 4-0’’ he conceded meekly.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Remaining 7 Wonders of the World






Pratibha Patel:

She is the Wonder of the Wonders because she is been only creating Wonders even before being the Wonder President.
Her innate ability to talk to spirits and has given her Ghost writers a run for their Money.
Also one can expect her to be busier than Kalam because unlike Kalam she will be meeting with LATE ministers (e.g. Mohammed Ali Jinnah, Lord Mountbatten) apart from former and ex Ministers.
Also she has promised that Beating the Retreat ceremony at the Republic day which she presides on would be replaced by Beating of Bhairon Singh Shekhawat…dhum.. dhum


Rajnikanth:

The Queen of England was obliged to confer the Honorary Sir title to him.
His extra flexible this side up stunts can induce inferiority complex and can give one sleepless night.
Tom Cruise Mission Impossible series might soon be passé owing to mesmerizing dialogue delivery of Rajnikanth.
Down South, the mass following of Rajni is so rampant that the Sponsors of the Red and White bravery awards have withdrawn the prize money because every single maadi had started imitating him in south and was filing for the bravery award….



Geoff Lawson:

He will be the new Pakistan Cricket Coach, replacing Late Bob Woolmer. He is pretty ecstatic about his new contract since his contract has no “Date of Expiry clause”, as was there in Woolmer’s.
In the lawless Pakistan team Lawson will face challenges like, Shohab Akhtar erratic behavior, Inzammam’s ever reluctance to run and making sure that Geoff doesn’t stay alone in a hotel room after Pakistan looses a world cup match….

The Pakistan cricket team has had eight coaches in the past 11 years.




Paris Hilton:

If you a paparazzi and have declining sales, start writing about her, about any thing, her snoring rate, her split ends, her dog’s biscuit company annual sales. You will make a fortune. Even if you have a 999 channel TV you just cannot escape the dumb blonde.






NRI, Sant Singh Chatwal:

Chatwal, who thinks that the capital of Punjab is New York (and not Canada), is the right hand of Hilary Clinton (That doesn’t necessarily mean Bill Clinton is the Left one).
After Hilary wins the Presidential election, Singh hopes to replace America’s Vice President Post with Akali Dal leader Prakash Singh Badal, the Defense Minister’s post with Derra Saccha Sauda Chief and the most important of all The Public Relation Ministers Post with Navjot Singh Sidhu.




The Ever Dropping Dollar:

With the present trend, the day is not far when 1Rs =$40. Apart from Economic disaster it well caste on the world there would be some cultural issues like Americans migrating to India. That would mean India would issue Green cards and America Ration Cards Punjab would go to America; Canada will come to India, another Punjab.
Above all, India would get Paris Hilton; America would get Rakhi Sawant. Now that will be a cultural shock…




Karunanidhi, The TN CM

The brand Ambassador of stock clearance stock of Ray Ban goggles. This man is more than just a chief minister. Last heard he is in talk with varies political parties to start a Rock Band. That would include Jyoti Basu( lead Guitarist) , Chandra Babu Naidu( flute player ) and MK Stalin ( Saxophone )
And the name of the band: Jay Lolitta..

Thursday, July 19, 2007

End of the Internet

This link is for all those who think that there are only 3 vowels :
w , w & w

Wednesday, July 18, 2007